Doug Funnie, Grownup Life
by Playwrite
Summary: Ever wonder what happened to that kid in the green sweater vest?
1. Chapter 1

Bluffington, 1993. Doug's desk.

" Dear Journal,

Hi. It's me, Doug. Tonight was the best night of my life! I just got home from my very first date-date with Patti Mayonnaise!

I've been in love with her for as far back as I can remember! Or well, at least since I moved to Bluffington three years ago. I can't believe she actually asked me out. And don't quote me on this, but she might actually be my official girlfriend now. She said she likes me. She LIKE-LIKES me!

Imagine, I have my very first girlfriend, and it's nonother than Patti Mayonnaise, the girl of my dreams, the prettiest girl in Bluffington. I'm the happiest, luckiest guy in the world!

It all started a few weeks ago at her dad's wedding to Ms. Krystal. Patti looked so pretty in that pink dress, and then it happened. She actually asked ME out to the Summer Harvest Moon Festival. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to do. But Porkchop and Skeeter were a lot of help. The Harvest Moon Festival was outside, so I didn't dress up fancy or anything, but I did remember to wear Manly Madness aftershave.

At first I was sort of scared. What would it be like to be on a real live date-date with Patti Mayonnaise? What if she finds out she doesn't like me? Should I tell her how much I like her? How am I supposed to act?

But it turned out to be not that different from all the other times we hung out together. We got to dance to our favorite Beets songs, and we had a lot of fun. I was beginning to worry if maybe I got things wrong. Maybe this really wasn't as much of a date as I thought. But then I walked her home.

It was sort of weird. As we walked, all of the sudden, Patti got real quiet. I tried to make some conversation, but she just didn't seem interested in talking. She just stared at the floor.

Finally, I asked her if there was anything wrong. If maybe she was mad at me about something. She shook her head and said she had to tell me something. She stopped walking and her face got really red. As far as I've known her, I couldn't ever remember seeing Patti get so red!

I could feel my heart pounding. I'm going to write down what she said word for word, because I'll never forget it as long as I live.

'Doug, I really like you a lot. I mean…I LIKE-LIKE you. As a boy. I just thought I should tell you that. '

I didn't know what to say. She said,

'You were always such a great friend, someone I could always count on. But over the last couple of months…with my dad's wedding and everything…You were always there for me, and I started to think about what a nice guy you are…And I started to…to l_ike_ you. I understand if you don't like me back, and I hope we can still stay friends no matter what. But I just felt that I should be honest with you."

It was the moment I've been dreaming of ever since I met her! But this was no dream, it was really real!

She seemed a little embarrassed, and she said, 'Come on, Doug. Please say something!'

But I just couldn't talk. I felt too dizzy.

'You're mad. I-I'm sorry, Doug, I never should have said anything.'

'No no no…It's okay, Patti…I just don't know what to say…'

'Well at least tell me what you think.'

She was being so honest with her feelings, and here I was, trying to hide how crazy I was about her all this time. I couldn't keep it a secret from her now.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

'Patti, I've always liked you…As a girl, I mean…I think you're the…the prettiest girl in the world. I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you at the Honker Burger. I was always crazy about you, but I guess I didn't have the guts to ever tell you, so I kept it a secret. You might have just started liking me, but I've liked you for three years.'

Now it was my turn to be red as a beet. She looked so surprised!

'Doug! I had no idea! Why didn't you ever say anything to me before?'

'Well…I didn't think a girl like you could ever go for a guy like me.'

She started to laugh. 'But Doug! You're really such a great guy.'

I just shrugged. And then it happened! I still can't believe it even as I write this.

She said, 'Doug, can I ask you something?'

'Sure, Patti. Anything.'

'Would you mind if I kissed you?'

I almost fainted! I don't remember much after that, except standing in front of her house, holding her hands in mine, and PATTI MAYONNAISE WAS ACTUALLY KISSING ME!

This was the best moment in my life! Journal, I'll never wash my mouth again!

Well, maybe just to brush my teeth or something."


	2. Chapter 2

Douglas Yancy Funnie

It was nearing eleven at night. The bar wouldn't stay open much longer. After all, it wasn't a real bar, really a café that served drinks. He wasn't accustomed to frequenting bars. But tonight he needed something stronger to help him sleep. Everything seemed to be falling apart again. And tomorrow night he would be taking the E train to Penn Station, then take the plane back home with his tail between his legs. He knew this would happen. He never should have left Bluffington.

Alone at the lobby bar in a not-so-nice hotel in Queens, a young man of about thirty sat in a green overcoat, fingering a rocks glass swirling with amber liquid. He took a sip and grimaced. What was he doing? The stuff tasted like gasoline. He pushed his drink away.

Dragging a hand over his sandy hair, he glanced at the bartender again. She was putting away glasses and tossing out the fruit in the garnish trays as a subtle hint that yes, they were going to close the bar soon. She was nice enough, though. He didn't want to be one of "those customers" that kept hanging around.

A slight smirk found its way upon his lips despite his mood. She was pretty cute. As she reached up to put away the wine glasses in the high rack, her back to him, he helped himself to an eyeful of her shape. Her white uniform shirt pulled taut across her back. A long, auburn braid hung down her spine, ending at a slender waste at the top of a pert, heart-shaped bottom.

A familiar pang of guilt hit him, but then quickly melted into a newfound sense of grief. Oh yeah, he didn't have to feel guilty about looking. He wasn't engaged anymore.

The bartender turned to him and smiled warmly enough. She had lovely green eyes, but they were hidden under a racoon mask of black eyeliner . And her lips were painted in such a dark red it sort of made her look ghostly pale-faced.

That was one of the many things he loved about Patti. She didn't wear makeup. She felt if a girl was confident enough in herself, she shouldn't need it. Patti didn't think much of girls who used makeup. And so neither did he.

_Oh Patti…_

"You finished, hon?" the girl asked.

"I-I'm sorry. Are you closing?"

She gave a husky, sort of raspy Janis Joplin laugh. She was a smoker.

"No, honey. It's early. We close at two. I was just wondering because you barely touched your scotch."

"Oh. Right," he said smiling wanely.

"Not a scotch drinker, hmm?" Her full lips tipped to the side.

"Well…heh, no. Not really. I just wanted to try something a little stronger," he said.

" Life treatin' you that bad, huh?"

Douglas laughed ruefully. "Well, yeah. Pretty much."

"Why didn't you say so? Here," she tossed his drink aside and began mixing up something in her mixing tin. She poured him a sort of greenish drink in a glass and handed it to him. "Try this. It's my specialty."

Douglas smiled warily, sniffing the drink. It smelled sweet. He sipped it and smiled. It wasn't bad. Tasted like lime cola.

"Better?"

" It's really good. Thanks a lot, um…Candace, " he said, glancing at her name tag. It was pinned above the low buttoned opening of her lovely, ample bosom. He caught himself and averted his eyes discreetly.

"It's what I'm here for," Candace shrugged, and went back to putting away the wine glasses.

She was really very beautiful, actually. Maybe not his type of girl. A smoker. Wore too much makeup. Kind of a little loose, maybe a tad on the wild side. He didn't much go for girls like that. But then again, how would he know?

He never went for anyone except Patti. She was the only one he ever learned to love.

After he finished his drink, the room began to swirl. Phew, what sort of drink did this girl make him?

"Well, I guess I'd better turn in. Thanks, Candace." He handed her his Visa.

"No problem, hon." She glanced at his card and froze, her large eyes narrowing into slits.

"_Doug? Douglas Funnie?"_

"Um. Yes," he said uncertainly.

She suddenly gasped, her eyes widening into large green orbs. "Oh my gosh!" She clapped her hands together, laughing. "It's me! Candy! Remember? I used to live next door to you in Bloatsburg."

"Um…sorry, I-I," he began, but stopped.

"Don't you remember, you and my big brother Reggie used to climb the trees outside the apartment building! Judy used to do little skits with my sister and me on the stoop!"

Suddenly an image of a fat little red haired girl with a runny nose covered in freckles and dirty overalls came to mind. His jaw dropped.

"_Candy Adams?"_

"Yeah!" she squealed.

"I remember!" he said, and suddenly, he did.


	3. Chapter 3, Bloatsburg

_Bloatsberg, June 2, 1989. Sunshine Villas on a sunny Tuesday afternoon._

Dougie and Reggie were hanging upside down from the tree in front of the apartment building. Judy and Cassidy stood on the stoop. Judy's arms were crossed as she shouted angrily at the chubby little girl running across the lawn to the tree where the boys hung.

"Candy, get back here! We're supposed to be rehearsing! THIS IS UNPROFESSIONAL!"

"I don't want to do the play anymore. I want to go play with Dougie," she called back over her shoulder.

"Hi Dougie," she cooed shyly up at the nine year old boy. He groaned, swinging down from the tree.

"Hi Candy," he grumbled.

"Whatcha doin?" she asked as Reggie swung down next to Dougie. The boys mounted their bikes.

"Go away, Candy."

She ignored her older brother. "Can I play, too, Dougie?"

Dougie was always nice to time, he even gave her his old crayon box for keeps. He'd let her play, no matter what Reggie said. That's why she was going to marry him someday.

"No you can't," said Reggie. "We're going to go play races, and you can't play because you're a baby."

"I am not a baby, I'm five," she protested. "Right, Dougie?"

"But we're going to be riding our bikes pretty fast," Dougie said. "Maybe you better go play with Judy."

Candace blinked up at him, her big green eyes brimming with surprised tears.

He quickly rode his bike away after Reggie, but as he glanced back he saw her standing alone under the tree, crying. He felt bad. He knew what it was like to be the youngest. But she was always following him around! It was so annoying!

He pedaled faster.

"Hey Reggie, wait up!"


	4. Chapter 4

Back at the Lobby Bar in Queens, NY.

"My gosh. Dougie Funnie! I can't believe it!" She rested an elbow on the spillmat, shaking her head. "You know, you were my first crush? I was gonna marry you someday, remember?"

"I think I remember that," he chuckled. "You used to follow me everywhere."

"I did, didn't I? Oh my god, I was such a little brat!" she laughed.

"Oh no you weren't. Really, you weren't that bad."

A long red tendril of her long hair fell across her shoulder and down her neck, drawing his eyes once again to the lovely pale crease of her bosom. He cleared his throat.

Douglas smiled awkwardly at this sexy young bartender who once thought the world revolved around him.

" So…Hello, Candy Adams!" he managed.

" Reg is gonna die! How in the world have you been?" she giggled.

"I've been ok, I guess," he said. He shrugged. " I mean…well, you know…"

Her brow furrowed. "I heard you got engaged," she said carefully.

Doug shrugged, not knowing what to say.

"Well, I did, but…"

He stared at his fingernails. Raising her eyebrows, Candy shrugged. She poured him another green drink.

"Here." She placed it in front of him.

"Oh no that's ok…I shouldn't"-

"Don't worry, hon. You're not drivin. Besides, it's on the house," she said. He smiled and took the glass.

"So, um…what have you been up to? How has life been treating you?"

"Pretty shitty, actually." She laughed at his startled expression.

"H-How'd you end up in New York?" he asked.

"Oh my gosh…Stupidity I guess," she said, waving her hands. "I just…I guess maybe Judy was a bad influence on me. I wanted to be an actress. I didn't do so good in school, so I just…I moved to L.A. to try my luck at getting famous. It didn't really work out though. I had met this guy, Flavio, and well…he was a big mistake."

"Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"

Candy tipped her head to the side and chewed her lip sheepishly. When she did that , he could see the little five year old girl he once knew.

"Lets just say…when a man decides to hit me, he only gets to do it once…"

"Oh my god…I'm…I'm so sorry, Candy. That is horrible…" he put his hand on her thin wrist.

She waved him off. "It was my own fault really. I was sixteen and stupid." She produced a cigarette from her apron and began to light up, then paused. "Oh, I'm sorry.." she began putting it away.

"Oh no no. It's ok. I don't mind, really." And he meant it.

"Thanks…Heheh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to bum you out. It's all in the past now. I'm actually doing pretty good."

"So…How'd you end up here?"

"Well," she said, "I'm pretty tall, so I started getting work as a model. And it just seemed smarter to go to New York, where I'd get more work. I got a few jobs working in the fashion houses in the city, then doing a few magazines."

"Wow. That's pretty cool…" He could definitely see the modeling thing working out for her.

"Eh, it was overrated. By the time I was twenty -four, bookings got fewer and fewer. In the fashion business, you get old real fast. So I ended up here. It's not a bad job, and I still book once in a while…So…Enough about me. What about you? What's your sob story?"

"Um…Well…"


	5. Chapter 5

_(Back at the bar in Queens, 2010.)_

Doug really wasn't a drinker. But He was feeling more relaxed now. And a bit more talkative. Candy seemed like such an understanding ear.

"I loved Patti more than anything in the whole wide world. Every time I would think about the future, I always imagined she would be in it with me," he said.

"I know how you feel, hon. I've been there," said Candy. " Thatt's how I felt about Flavio. More?"

Doug's head felt woozy. He set down his empty glass. No, no, he shouldn't have anymore.

"Maybe just one more…yeah, just one," he said.

She set him down another electric lemonade. This time, he downed it in one gulp.

"Whoah whoah whoah…easy, Doug. That was really fast," Candy said uncertainly.

"I never loved anyone as much as I loved my sweet Patti. But I blew it…" His chin crumpled as if he was going to cry.

"Oh come on. How did you blow it?"

But he didn't really hear her. He was off in a tangent.

"I loved her since I was eleven. Eleven! Do you know how long that's been? It was like…It was…It was…"

He focused counting on his fingers, his eyes crossing.

" It was…twelve..four…five…Twenty years?...Twenty years! I've loved her for twenty years, Candy! And I still love her. I really do! But it's over, it's all over. And it's my fault! _Uggghhhnn…_" He plopped his head on the bar, making Candy jump.

"Doug, are you ok? Let me getcha some water, dear."

He lifted his head. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"No, Candy. I'm not ok. I'm very much NOT OK!"

"Oh my god, Doug. You poor poor thing!" cried Candy, who was becoming very uncomfortable. " Look, don't cry, please. I hate it when people cry…Come, drink some water now."

He sipped the glass of icewater she put before him, sniffling.

"I'm sorry, Candy. I don't normally do this sort of thing. I don't drink, and I don't really like telling everyone all my personal stuf. But…It's just been so rough ever since Patti and I broke up. Deep down I always believed we would patch things up and end up together in the end. But now…Now she's engaged to someone else. It's only been a year since we broke up! And she's already planning a wedding with some foreign guy she met at the firm? Why, Candy? Why did I let her get away?"

"Um…I don't know, Doug. What even happened?" Candy asked, nervously wiping the bar.

" It's a long story…"

"Honey, I'm a bartender," she laughed. "It's what I do." She offered him a beverage napkin. Now please stop crying and tell me what's wrong. You'll feel better after."

He blew his nose with a loud honk.

"Well…" he began. "It all started when we were in junior high…"


End file.
